"But daddy, why isn't your belly getting smaller yet?"

I never actually wanted kids before meeting my wife,  but once I had seen how truly incredible she was, it seemed logical that I should make more of her for the good of civilization.  In fact, we are planning on more clones - hopefully we can add another one or two to the ensemble-cast before long.

My kids were a huge inspiration for going through this challenge, but kids are dangerous, viciously truthful and observant little creatures.  They see things with no filters or lenses.  In fact, they see straight through your soul.   For the first year or two this isn't much of a big deal, but once they learn to talk, it can get ugly in a hurry.

Throughout the process of preparing for, going through and recovering from my surgery, I have made every attempt to keep an honest dialog open with my almost-four-year-old boy.

Conversations before the surgery went something like this:

"Can I make your shake with you daddy?"
"Of course you can, come here."
"Why can't you eat real food?"
"Because the doctor needs me to lose some of my belly before he uses his tools to fix my stomach."
"Why does he need to fix your stomach?"

"Because it will help me lose my belly."
"Why do you need to lose your belly?"
"To improve my health so I can be around for a long time son."

"Why do you have a big belly?"
(...sit down boy...this could take a while...)
"Well, when I was a boy I learned the wrong reasons and ways to eat."
"But why didn't your mommy and daddy teach you?"
"Well they tried, but they couldn't seem to...they kind of tried to...my grandmother was...Hey look on TV - is that Mickey Mouse?"
When he looks at the TV, I break for the garage and disappear...
Thankfully, kids also have the attention span of the average house-fly.

Conversations after the surgery went more like this:

"Why did they make those holes in your belly daddy?"
"To put the camera and tools in my belly. "
"The doctors aren't very nice, are they daddy...cutting holes like that."
"They are very nice son...I asked them to cut the holes so they could use the tools to fix my stomach."
"Will you be able to eat normal food now daddy?"
"Yes son, just less of it."
"Why?"
"Because the doctors used their tools to make my stomach smaller, so I would have to eat less."
"Is that how you will lose your belly?"
"Yes son."
"When will it go away?"
"Soon, but a little bit at a time only."
"Why?"
"Because it's not good for my health to lose too much too quickly"
"Why?"
"Because the doctors said so."
"But I thought the doctors told you to lose your belly to be healthy."
"Yes, but.."
"But you just said it's not healthy to lose it."
"Yes but..."
"So is it healthy or not daddy?"
"Well..."
"Is it?  Is it?"
"Hey - is that your sister breaking one of your toy tractors?"
He runs off screaming at his 2 year old sister...
Whew.


And now, the conversation has turned to this:

"Daddy?"
"Yes, son."
"Why isn't your belly getting smaller yet?"
...
...
...
"Sandra, please come take the boy for his bath."
"Eh daddy?  Why?"
...
...
..."SANDRA!"
"It's still big daddy."
...
...
..."SANDRA!"
---------------------------

Even coming out of the mouth of a sweet, beautiful child the truth is ugly.  In fact, I have not lost a single pound in the 4 weeks since my recovery.  And of course, having widely publicized my story, I am now beginning to face questions.

• My tattoo artist:  "How is it going?  You feel good?  Man, my other friend who had surgery melted like a snowman - he lost 100lbs in 3 months."
• Colleague:  "Have you lost any weight yet?"
• Colleague 2:  "You don't look like you have lost any weight yet"
• Coffee shop girl:  "You want skim or 2%" milk?
• Colleague 3:  "Wow - it works slowly, huh"

OK, so maybe I should have done this under the radar and not so publicly.  BUT NO!  I did this on purpose. You see, the easiest way to get to 350 lbs is to not hold yourself accountable for your actions.  Taking the "aw f?ck it" way out lets you do anything you want.
 
Should I eat this 900 calorie poutine at 3am after consuming 2000 calories of beer since my 1200 calorie dinner with the boys?
The perfect answer:  "Aw f&ck it...combo number 3 please."

Should I have another bowl of pasta and my wife's kick-ass reincarnation of my grandmother's meat sauce?
The perfect answer:  "Aw f&ck it...if Nonna was here she would want me to"

Should I drink this 5th glass of wine while watching Rachel Maddow eviscerate Bill O'Reilly for the 3rd time this week?
The perfect answer:  "Aw f&ck it...Bill is a douche bag and this Ripasso is excellent."
---------------------------

I have learned a lot in the past few weeks.  First and foremost, I have learned that you can absolutely nullify the effects of a gastric-band by drinking water while eating to wash the food through the ring and  by drinking good amounts of wine.   But most importantly I have learned that while the surgery and the gastric-band will be a big help once I get my shit together, they won't really make much of a difference unless I get my shit together.

On the positive side of things I have managed to limit the damage and not gain any weight since recovering from surgery.  I have also managed to kick my ass into exercising a few times a week.

Therefore I ask you and my kids to keep encouraging me, and to keep holding me accountable.